Tuesday, November 25, 2014




It seems as if it was just yesterday that I graduated from secondary school. University life is beyond awesome and despite all the stress and sometimes the emotional turbulence I face, God remains evidently faithful working in my life, especially blessing me with wonderful companions in my school life. I still question my faith from time to time, I still struggle sometimes because there are days when my heart just feels so empty that there seems to be no meaning to life. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and eventually, God has a better plan for me in life. It's not my position to question His place but my job as His child, His precious child made in His image is to have faith in Him. I am still waiting for Him to heal me in certain places of my heart, I definitely need alot of nurture in those areas of my life. Especially because I've always felt like I lack certain figures to look up to in my life. I think those missing places are where He is meant to fit in. There are many assumptions that I make, partly out of my own faith that I held since I was younger and partly (sometimes) to comfort myself. However it is, I find faith and solace in Him.
I don't get good sleeps sometimes. I lose my appetite sometimes. I break down more often this year than ever especially in front of my own family but I take that as something good in a way because I now allow myself to express what I feel without hiding anything, but sometimes it may come off as being immature as it may seem like I am not really capable to manage my emotions.
Despite what happens, I know I have people and a refuge that I can turn to.
Everyone has their comfort space, everyone finds somewhere they belong. For me, I try to make myself feel belong everywhere I go. Enjoy God's goodness everyday in life, give thanks even for the littlest things in life. Sometimes it feels like those sweet godsent angels are constantly reminding me to be grateful as everytime when I complain, I snap halfway and think to myself, there is nothing really bad out of the situation that I'm unhappy about.
The other day after my PR trip to Kuala Selangor, I felt like everything was beautiful. My experiences in life are beautiful, my life is beautiful, I am beautiful. And there are no words needed to explain or prove how it feels like. There was no words needed for what I felt inside my heart that carved a smile on my life and I think that was what made it beautiful.
I continue to seek opportunities everyday. I want to expand the possibilities in my life and I want to explore my options. I want to experience what God has in store for me.
I'm happy to be able to design so many things in the past few years especially this year. I always felt lacking in the intellectual department but I know how to enjoy art and culture and I'm kinda happy that way. I designed for both the poster & banner for my trip, posters for fundraising and etc. Although it's just simple editings but I'm still happy that I got compliments from different people that my designs are nice, cute etc. Also, my PR VNR made it to the hall of fame (I suppose) and I was one of the few people whom my lecturer chose to have a copy of my Video News Release kept by him. I was also the videographer for my trip and my very kind friends complimented that video of mine as well.
I made alot of achievements this year and I couldn't ask for more, seriously. I feel abit disappointed in terms of my scores for my exams but it's not that bad, it's just that I'm more harsh on myself as I am chasing after scholarship for degree. People say money can make you smile because you can buy things you love with it, and I live in an era where people (generally, my peers especially) spend like nobody's business and explore food everyday. But for me, it's family gatherings & meeting up with friends for an indoor potbless or house party that makes me laugh and smile. It's the experiences that I make and the lessons I learn in everyday life that make me grow into a better me that makes me have joy in my heart. It's the littlest things that happen everyday; eating my friends' leftover food, fooling around and bullying Erynn, having the comfort to sit on a comfortable chair and typing a blogpost at home like this. These things are what makes me happy.
I am happy, and I will always be happy.
And I'm not feeling happy because I try to bury other feelings down (that's what my sister once questioned me about because I still break down at the mention of certain incidents) but I'm happy because of God's grace and blessings upon my life.
I am genuinely glad to be where I am today and I have no doubt that no matter how situations would be in the future, I will be able to find comfort and joy still.

Am still kinda traumatized by my own actions in the past but I'm slowly getting to the closure of it. I definitely moved on so no worries, I know my position in life and I know clearly of my own identity and who am I.

Confidence(wtv you call it) update: I am no longer wearing concealer to school, and I happily put my hair back to a messy 1-minute bun to school. I show off my forehead full of blemishes with no shame (there is nothing to be ashamed about anyway).  Only on days when I feel more feminine, I put on some thin eyeliner or eyeshadow, and put on some body mist to boost up my day. Yes, it is indeed very tempting to want to look flawless but screw it, my imperfections are what makes me, me. My face is a canvas that I have control over and I don't want to feel like the perception of beauty will change how I think of my own face/image. Yes, it is important to look good, but it is even more important to feel good.
And what makes me feel good?

Memories and happiness do.

-

Adieu, bunny.
xx

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A humble update



It feels like I've been gone for very long hadn't I?

I'm back. For a short update of my life.
Also to revisit this space full of nostalgic memories which some I try hard to erase from my mind.
I've stepped into another phase of life.

I've entered university.
With much expectation and excitement, I made friends with a bunch of outspoken people. They're all nice and loud, which best suits to my taste.
I've always felt that high school was too rigid for my liking as the people are mostly (no offence) Chinese educated and they're somehow more close viewed than I am, thus most of the time I keep to myself as I don't fit in the crowd and I myself am not mandarin speaking by default, though I did pick up Chinese language as I go and even learned how to read a word or two.
In university there's a core subject that I must take which is called Personal Development and Leadership, and it's pretty self-explanatory. It sounds like it's kinda useless and it's not worth to pay thousands for this kind of "motivation" subject which can be picked up by yourself, but I have to admit every class helped me learn something new and I love my lecturer so much and I see her as one of my inspirations now.
I think being busy is really physically exhausting. But I really do enjoy it. Or maybe I am just trying to escape from reality again. Someone very dear to me is leaving for two years soon, and inside my heart I'm dying as the time gets near.

I think this is a harsh reality that we have to learn to accept.
It doesn't matter whether someone is going to further studies, migrate, or pass away; someone eventually has to go.
Departure is not something that I love dealing with.
I hate it the most out of everything.

I am used to sleeping beside my sister comfortably every night.
She's also part of my social system(my family).
I don't know how should I feel about this, I'm feeling awkward as of now and I try hard not to think about it every night as sometimes it leaves me with tears at the thought of this house without my sister's presence.

This also reflects my family's importance to me.
I think it would be the same if someone else was absent.
I had this thing since I was younger.
I remember my two sisters being away for a camp, I think it's a youth retreat camp in Malacca.
It was so empty and home and although I was at home, I felt homesick.

I came across this word when I was listening to Nell's song, one of their song's title is Seperation Anxiety.
I googled it up and my, oh my. I started thinking that I have seperation anxiety as well.
I don't really know for sure but I do know that I hate parting with someone else.
It's something that is very painful to me.
Perhaps I have experienced painful partings, I don't know; my mind doesn't allow me to think why.

Different people have all sorts of different problems in life.
Sometimes I also see people with no worries at all and I go like; damn, do you have no troubles at all?
I really wish to be happy go lucky sometimes.

Right now I'm just taking time to breathe while I finish my Study Skills assignment;
I'm playing Hammock's very soothing music to let my head rest and escape to this imaginary world that I have at the back of my mind where there's only me, and empty spaces, and there's God somewhere up there looking at me lay back while I lay everything else behind and just have peace all over running through my body and soul.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Hello 2014

Entering the first quarter of 2014 by entering uni for foundations course.
I met really nice people and nice lecturers even though it's just week 1.
Everyone of them were really lovely and helpful, some of my new classmates even took the time to help me out with the trouble I had when we had to login to our online ids to enroll our subjects and fix the tutorial groupings.
Day 1 and 2 were basically a big fuss for me, it's like I'm in a really fast transition in life.
Now I'm getting the hang of it, so even finding a place to fix a meal isn't that hard of a thing to do anymore.
Freshmen always have this "newbie" feeling. It's funny to see my "seniors" of one semester hanging around like pros and they act like they're a year older or so, but the fact is most of them are also 96's and some of them from private school or home schools are even younger.
Nonetheless, I'm feeling really great and hopeful.

There's not much time to sit and think about silly things anymore, so gone were the days I did so.
SPM was just another nightmare of a phase I go through in life, so let's not get into that topic because something always kills me a little inside when I do talk about it.

I am very blessed to have everyone that I have around me.
There are people who come and go, but the ones who stayed really never fail to amaze me time and again because they show to me that THERE ARE people who love me, and will continue to love me even till the end of time.

I believe uni days will help me mature because in that kind of environment, if I want to survive, I need to go all out and push my own limits.
There are a few inspiring people who shared stories of their own, and I'm wishing one day I could do the same; that I have also something to share about myself to inspire others, and others will be inspired and they will also be an inspiration to others, and the cycle continues.

Thank you God the most for the never ending opportunities that I get in my life.
Let's live well.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

A lil of this and that.

To be honest I was not the one who feels secure about most things in her life. Sure, even the best people have worries and whatnot but what I'm saying here exactly is about the constant insecurity that haunts you somewhere in the corner of your hearts. I'll have to admit I am considered very blessed, both with health and I guess my household doesn't undergo any financial hurricanes and I have nice clothes to wear. Sometimes I even feel somewhat pampered with choice in my comfortable life. Despite that good part in life I have to deal with many other things. I, as many know, am a very emotion based person. I act and think mostly out of my emotions, thus I may lack wisdom somewhat. My sisters both do fairly well in their education. My eldest sister deems to be very wise and does well in her studies, never a worry for my mum. My second sister, though not the ace in education, finds her way through media and by God's will, she wins cash, prizes, even gadgets and brings income for herself. I, on the other hand, was the "different" one. It's not that I put that label to myself but even my mum has said that I was a bit different than my sisters. I suppose there's difference in generation and society as factors. I was constantly disappointing. In studies, I did well in primary school but things changed when I stepped into high school. I guess there are many reasons to it? 1. I really couldn't catch up. 2. As the growing teen I am I preferred entertainment, obviously lacking wisdom as to differentiate my priorities.
It's very difficult to justify anything as I really didn't do well all three as a daughter, a student and a person by itself. I don't know. But somehow things are better now. So far the worst I have ever done was to do harm to my own health earlier last year. I regret that but I bury that as a past that I dread to remember. So many emotional regrets.. Everything serves as a lesson with a heavy price to me. I have to buck up, now. To prove my own ability I must start taking responsibilities and show the different side of myself. But life is hard. But by God's will I know I can do better and I will do better. I have so many things that I want to do yet so many restraints. What to do? I have lost the trust that was given freely to me by everyone so now I have to earn it back, by hook or by crook. Anyhow, every day sets a new beginning. I believe I'll soon make it and will be better day by day. Perfection is unachievable but that's not what I long for. I thirst for improvement. Let's hope everyone does well in 2014! Here's to new beginnings to everyone!

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Gratitude


I am grateful. For all that I have. I was never an angelic person. Was never admirable, or had the honorable attitude. I have shameful past and I am never proud of myself. It took me so long to notice the life I had was so luxurious and blessed. I did bad things that hurt the people around me. I was obnoxious, but I put that into the past. 2013 was a great learning year to me. I had to cope with many feelings, but I did it the wrong way. I hurt my family so much every time. But every mistake was a choice. Bad choices, are to be taught as lessons. I am grateful for every breath that I have each day. My family may not afford bungalows, but we did a great deal surviving emotional hurricanes for as long as we stuck by together. I am thankful. I do not even deserve this. I am that unworthy that I don't even have the rights to say what I deserve of. But God gave me so much, and I should be very grateful. I am. Christmas was wonderful. I feel blessed to have so many great people around me. Each have their story to tell. Each to give me something to learn. Instead of always accepting, I am learning to give. I believe in cause and effect. Doing things not for the sake of it, but out of sincerity and being genuine without asking for a return. People who walk past me may not know my story. People who know me well, may find me pretty weird. But their acceptance made me change to the better person that Iam today. No longer dark, no longer gloom. But distress still happens, and I continue to learn more in this life I'm living in.  It is so easy to look over what we have and take for granted for the life we're living. For every thing that we may overlook is something that may be precious and priceless to someone else. Be humble, be forgiving. Love and cherish.

My mummy, big sis, rux, M, K and more:
Thank you for being the best people around. You are a blessing not only to me but many many others. *fistbump* love you all.

I am happy. I feel blessed 24/7. I still ask for alot sometimes. Cosmetic and beauty is what I long for always. But if I were to choose as priority, materials place last. I would have never survived if it wasn't for the angels God placed in my life. Would've ran to a route far worse, God knows what state I might get into.

But God never forsakes, and He never will.
It's just in His own ways and time, but we will see.
Like a lil' lamb was lost now am found, thank you to every person who once helped me find my way through joy and peace. For every second chances I get when I screw up. For tje patience people give me when they face me.

I can safely type down that I survived the rough sailing of 2013.
I am not a person who is very involved in education and knowledge.
Wasn't in to it before, is not into it now.
But I try because I have a responsible to hold and a promise to keep.
I have always been struggling inside, juggling my life here and there.
But learning to stand on an unstable rock have helped me move on to learn how to stand on concrete now.

I can say all the thank yous I want, at the end of the day I still owe up to many of you out there.
For being my beautiful angels inside out, thank you for making me learn even if it means the hard way.

For some it may be easy.
For me it never was.

But I am grateful.
Gratitude makes my heart get back its innocence.

Like a child
With an open heart
I love every one of you.

Happy thanksgiving


















































































Sunday, December 1, 2013

Judge

You thin, you're anorexic.
You groom, you're obsessed with beauty.
You messy, you're too laid back.
You relax, you are not a serious person.
You play, you are not mature.
You want, you greedy.
You need, you finding excuses.
You be having new interests, you be getting bad influences.
You high beauty standards, you too self-conscious.
You date, you too young.
You talk, you should listen more than you speak.
You listen, you don't do as told.
You quiet, "why are you emotional?"
You picky, you choosy.
You want everything, you needy.
You express, you demanding/ridiculous/unreasonable.
You hide, you secretive cuz you did something bad.
You show, you have something fishy.

-

I have feelings you don't even know, a side of myself that I don't even show.
How much do you know about me? Does this make me sound scary?
I am nothing but of pure intentions. Don't overlook me before I turn bad as you think I am.
My simple wants, just fulfill them.
Speak less as you told me to.
Think before acting because my actions are reflecting yours.
You feel it? You are it.
Don't expect me to mature like I had the know-hows since I was born.
Adjust to me as how I adjust to you.
People change, so do I.
Accept it or leave it, but don't judge it.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Song of the month



As a closing of my dark September-
here's my favourite song of the month: Act 5 by Nell.
Not a new song from Nell, not your mainstream Wrecking Ball kinda song or some House music. But something about this song is extremely deep and haunting. I LOVE Nell ever since I first heard their songs last year, I have to say this is one of my favourite song from them.
Though they're not as famous as Bigbang or Super Junior, I do enjoy their songs more than mainstream kpop songs. You can say that Nell's kinda music is the other side of korean music which everyone should have a taste of; it's really nice to know and hear.

-

I like songs that you can relate to the melody. Songs that make you flow with their music, songs that you don't really understand the lyrics but they speak to you as if you can understand them. Songs that really take you to another world, where there's only you and it, nothing else. Songs that make you feel eased, particularly slow ones.

-

Life had been rough this month, trials took all my energy, and today's the worst day of my life so far.
Nonetheless, I still have my soulmate cat, my very close friends, my sisters and most importantly my mummy so I guess everything is still okay.

-

Keep calm
and smile on.