It seems as if it was just yesterday that I graduated from secondary school. University life is beyond awesome and despite all the stress and sometimes the emotional turbulence I face, God remains evidently faithful working in my life, especially blessing me with wonderful companions in my school life. I still question my faith from time to time, I still struggle sometimes because there are days when my heart just feels so empty that there seems to be no meaning to life. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and eventually, God has a better plan for me in life. It's not my position to question His place but my job as His child, His precious child made in His image is to have faith in Him. I am still waiting for Him to heal me in certain places of my heart, I definitely need alot of nurture in those areas of my life. Especially because I've always felt like I lack certain figures to look up to in my life. I think those missing places are where He is meant to fit in. There are many assumptions that I make, partly out of my own faith that I held since I was younger and partly (sometimes) to comfort myself. However it is, I find faith and solace in Him.
I don't get good sleeps sometimes. I lose my appetite sometimes. I break down more often this year than ever especially in front of my own family but I take that as something good in a way because I now allow myself to express what I feel without hiding anything, but sometimes it may come off as being immature as it may seem like I am not really capable to manage my emotions.
Despite what happens, I know I have people and a refuge that I can turn to.
Everyone has their comfort space, everyone finds somewhere they belong. For me, I try to make myself feel belong everywhere I go. Enjoy God's goodness everyday in life, give thanks even for the littlest things in life. Sometimes it feels like those sweet godsent angels are constantly reminding me to be grateful as everytime when I complain, I snap halfway and think to myself, there is nothing really bad out of the situation that I'm unhappy about.
The other day after my PR trip to Kuala Selangor, I felt like everything was beautiful. My experiences in life are beautiful, my life is beautiful, I am beautiful. And there are no words needed to explain or prove how it feels like. There was no words needed for what I felt inside my heart that carved a smile on my life and I think that was what made it beautiful.
I continue to seek opportunities everyday. I want to expand the possibilities in my life and I want to explore my options. I want to experience what God has in store for me.
I'm happy to be able to design so many things in the past few years especially this year. I always felt lacking in the intellectual department but I know how to enjoy art and culture and I'm kinda happy that way. I designed for both the poster & banner for my trip, posters for fundraising and etc. Although it's just simple editings but I'm still happy that I got compliments from different people that my designs are nice, cute etc. Also, my PR VNR made it to the hall of fame (I suppose) and I was one of the few people whom my lecturer chose to have a copy of my Video News Release kept by him. I was also the videographer for my trip and my very kind friends complimented that video of mine as well.
I made alot of achievements this year and I couldn't ask for more, seriously. I feel abit disappointed in terms of my scores for my exams but it's not that bad, it's just that I'm more harsh on myself as I am chasing after scholarship for degree. People say money can make you smile because you can buy things you love with it, and I live in an era where people (generally, my peers especially) spend like nobody's business and explore food everyday. But for me, it's family gatherings & meeting up with friends for an indoor potbless or house party that makes me laugh and smile. It's the experiences that I make and the lessons I learn in everyday life that make me grow into a better me that makes me have joy in my heart. It's the littlest things that happen everyday; eating my friends' leftover food, fooling around and bullying Erynn, having the comfort to sit on a comfortable chair and typing a blogpost at home like this. These things are what makes me happy.
I am happy, and I will always be happy.
And I'm not feeling happy because I try to bury other feelings down (that's what my sister once questioned me about because I still break down at the mention of certain incidents) but I'm happy because of God's grace and blessings upon my life.
I am genuinely glad to be where I am today and I have no doubt that no matter how situations would be in the future, I will be able to find comfort and joy still.
Am still kinda traumatized by my own actions in the past but I'm slowly getting to the closure of it. I definitely moved on so no worries, I know my position in life and I know clearly of my own identity and who am I.
Confidence(wtv you call it) update: I am no longer wearing concealer to school, and I happily put my hair back to a messy 1-minute bun to school. I show off my forehead full of blemishes with no shame (there is nothing to be ashamed about anyway). Only on days when I feel more feminine, I put on some thin eyeliner or eyeshadow, and put on some body mist to boost up my day. Yes, it is indeed very tempting to want to look flawless but screw it, my imperfections are what makes me, me. My face is a canvas that I have control over and I don't want to feel like the perception of beauty will change how I think of my own face/image. Yes, it is important to look good, but it is even more important to feel good.
And what makes me feel good?
Memories and happiness do.