Tuesday, June 3, 2014

A humble update



It feels like I've been gone for very long hadn't I?

I'm back. For a short update of my life.
Also to revisit this space full of nostalgic memories which some I try hard to erase from my mind.
I've stepped into another phase of life.

I've entered university.
With much expectation and excitement, I made friends with a bunch of outspoken people. They're all nice and loud, which best suits to my taste.
I've always felt that high school was too rigid for my liking as the people are mostly (no offence) Chinese educated and they're somehow more close viewed than I am, thus most of the time I keep to myself as I don't fit in the crowd and I myself am not mandarin speaking by default, though I did pick up Chinese language as I go and even learned how to read a word or two.
In university there's a core subject that I must take which is called Personal Development and Leadership, and it's pretty self-explanatory. It sounds like it's kinda useless and it's not worth to pay thousands for this kind of "motivation" subject which can be picked up by yourself, but I have to admit every class helped me learn something new and I love my lecturer so much and I see her as one of my inspirations now.
I think being busy is really physically exhausting. But I really do enjoy it. Or maybe I am just trying to escape from reality again. Someone very dear to me is leaving for two years soon, and inside my heart I'm dreading it as the time gets near.

I think this is a harsh reality that we have to learn to accept.
It doesn't matter whether someone is going to further studies, migrate, or pass away; someone eventually has to go.
Departure is not something that I love dealing with.
I hate it the most out of everything.

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I came across this word when I was listening to Nell's song, one of their song's title is Seperation Anxiety.
I googled it up and my, oh my. I started thinking that I have seperation anxiety as well.
I don't really know for sure but I do know that I hate parting with someone else.
It's something that is very painful and out of the comfort zone to me.
Perhaps I have experienced a lot of partings, I don't know.

Different people have all sorts of different problems in life.
Sometimes I also see people with no worries at all and I go like; damn, do you have no troubles at all?
I really wish to be happy go lucky sometimes.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Hello 2014

Entering the first quarter of 2014 by entering uni for foundations course.
I met really nice people and nice lecturers even though it's just week 1.
Everyone of them were really lovely and helpful, some of my new classmates even took the time to help me out with the trouble I had when we had to login to our online ids to enroll our subjects and fix the tutorial groupings.
Day 1 and 2 were basically a big fuss for me, it's like I'm in a really fast transition in life.
Now I'm getting the hang of it, so even finding a place to fix a meal isn't that hard of a thing to do anymore.
Freshmen always have this "newbie" feeling. It's funny to see my "seniors" of one semester hanging around like pros and they act like they're a year older or so, but the fact is most of them are also 96's and some of them from private school or home schools are even younger.
Nonetheless, I'm feeling really great and hopeful.

SPM was just another nightmare of a phase I go through in life, so let's not get into that topic because something always kills me a little inside when I do talk about it.

I believe uni days will help me mature because in that kind of environment, if I want to survive and excel I can't sit and procrastinate. As I age, my responsibilities grow.

There are a few inspiring people who shared stories of their own, and I'm wishing one day I could do the same; that I have also something to share about myself to inspire others, and others will be inspired and they will also be an inspiration to others, and the cycle continues.

Thank you God the most for the never ending opportunities that I get in my life.
Let's live well.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Song of the month



As a closing of my dark September-
here's my favourite song of the month: Act 5 by Nell.

I LOVE Nell ever since I first heard their songs last year, I have to say this is one of my favourite song from them.
Though they're not as famous as Bigbang or Super Junior, I do enjoy their songs more than mainstream kpop songs. You can say that Nell's kinda music is the other side of korean music which everyone should have a taste of; it's really nice to know and hear.

Friday, August 30, 2013

Why do you call someone an asshole? Because he/she is full of shit. -Joke my by sister.

#nowplaying Kelly Clarkson- Break Away

I'm a person who is very anal about most things in life. Give me any thing to talk about- I'll reply you with negative comments because that's what I'm full of-negativity. Have I been rude enough to disregard all the blessings I have been given for my whole life, I still fret every day of my life. Maybe because I'm an asshole. I'm full of shit and I don't know how to appreciate life. You know how asians/chinese believe that if you say something bad, it'll make your luck turn suay, or I should say they believe in jinx or something. The irony of it is, no matter how much I say "see... sure something bad happen wun" or anything negative like so, in the end, there's a positive outcome to prove me wrong. Yes, I've also been told off by my own sister not to always say stupid things/negative things. But that's my reality to me. Not that I like to be so skeptical about everything but I just prefer expecting the worst. I am afraid of expectations and the outcomes. Well, some people are comfortable in their own way. I'll try to change.  There are many things that I want to change about myself and I'm working on it. Please don't hate me, dear everyone-that-I-know.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Free yourself, Love yourself

Randomly thought about something today.
Well, the topic is rather cliche, also something that people often tells you, especially in the modern society nowadays. "Love yourself, be yourself".

First, I'd like to relate this with cross-dressing. Though I appreciate all the efforts of cross dressers that really try to dress up as the opposite sex and sometimes they really are able to convince the public of their "other identity", sometimes I think that it's too much. I don't know. I have always felt that I'm not the girly-girl kind but I have never had the urge to want to be a male so badly that I feel like having a boy cut and feel embarrassed about having boobies. And sometimes on facebook, and many other social media, you know how people defend their kind.. "we're just being ourselves"... okay.. so.. how can I put it into words.. like.. you're a girl.. and that's YOU.. a female.. why do you even want to change that fact? If you're more masculine, you might want to be the "iron lady" kind what. You musn't have a rough voice wearing polo shirts and having real clean boy cut to feel more "manly". If you say "accept you for who you are" or "i'm me and nothing can change that" well that's kinda ironic because what you are is kinda opposite of what you're trying to portray. I guess this goes the same to homosexuals? I don't know. No prejudice though. I just can't accept things that goes against the nature. I'm sorry. "I'M JUST BEING MYSELF". LOL.

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On the other hand, I'd like to really state that "loving yourself" isn't really something easy to do, not for some people unfortunately. As for myself, I wouldn't say that I "hate" myself anymore, I think I've kinda past that motion, but to be honest, I'm still finding myself and each day I still put in much effort to continue pushing myself until one day, hopefully, I can find my self esteem and fully be confident in myself again. To me, the act of loving myself is also loving people around me. Accept things with a grateful and merciful heart. Do things dutifully. Wake up everyday and thank God for every breath that I'll be taking for the rest of the day. Thank God for a new day. Give myself new hopes. Work hard on my dreams and goals. Every new day, try harder than yesterday. All these is like an act of loving myself. It's giving myself another chance everytime and appreciating the chance given by God to work things better and get things done the better way. Letting go bitter root judgement is also important. Keeping them is just like letting yourself plant an evil plant in you. With that, many bad thoughts that will eventually lead to bad actions and eventually give yourself a bad future will appear. You will not notice it, but it will ruin you. Deny bad thoughts and feed yourself well physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally. Every act upon yourself determines the love you have for yourself. Initially especially for someone that is very super negative and depressive as me, it's really hard. Being negative is really a very easy way out but it brings no good outcome to anyone including myself. That's why I choose not to anymore. Eventually, I'll find the way out and I choose to believe this. And only by God's strength and strength given by all the beautiful surrounding around me I can overcome this.

I'd like to do something, I don't know what to call it, maybe a "ritual"? A physical act to free myself. I don't know. I want to go for bungee jumping, ride an ATV, or go sky diving. Accomplishing any extreme sport, that's one of the wish in my bucket list. It's like freeing myself, challenging myself. You know that moment when you jump? You feel like you've completed something you've never thought you would complete. Hopefully, I can do bungee jumping in Macau some day. It's what I see most people do and "that feeling" in them. It's so stress relieving! To be honest I haven't ride any scary rides for my whole life at all so imagine what a challenge and thrill it will be for me to do any extreme sport at all. And with that accomplishment I can finally pat myself in the back and say, well, you've finished this act, and if you can overcome the fear of speed, fear of height, fear of anything at all, now you've free yourself from any other fear as well. Of course, I'd like to also do these for the fun of it. I'm so jelly seeing so many people done bungee jump already when is my turn!!

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I enjoy reading Haruki's books (duh). Haruki inspires me to do everything. He inspires me to imagine, to write, to read, to challenge myself, to run, and most importantly, to be aspiring as well. I don't know. I love him and his books!!

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I really hope I can go to Macau and do the highest bungee jump! I'm dying to do it. Please? Mum? Can I go? Can you bring me? Next year end or so? Please? :(

Thursday, August 1, 2013

August: I am pretty

As the 31st kissed July goodbye now comes August.

It really did hit me quite hard when I found out it's two digits left before SPM approaches. *gasp* Nevertheless, time doesn't stop. Time to use the remaining months for a good purpose! (have said this since forever). So, what plans do I have for after SPM? I already have some in my mind, and I really look forward to life after school. It's the pinpoint of my life where I'm free of all the nuisance from school, school problems, school rules, school teachers and all the useless dramas. Of course, people who'd left a good remark in my life, I'll remember you till the end of time. How do I feel right now? I'M FEELING HAPPY TO STEP OUT OF MY PINAFORE IN THREE MONTHS TIME!!!! Instead of feeling depressed as I wait for the day of SPM to arrive, I'm counting down to the 27th of November; that's when my last phase of SMK life ends. Kiss goodbye to all you terrible science subjects and dusty environment, I'll definitely forget the past and delete everything and start fresh and new all over again!! OMG SO EXCITED BUT AM GONNA GO STUDY NOW BYE

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Expiration Date,




Even if I look at the clock
I don’t have time, goodbye now

Even if I look at the calendar
I don’t have any memories now

I’m afraid I’ll be a book that no one reads
Music that no one listens to anymore
I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned like a movie playing in an empty theater

Even if I look at the phone
I don’t have any relationships now
Even if I look into the mirror
In there, there’s no confidence now

*Repeat(X2)